The Testing Dead

Did you know that DBU has its own version of the Walking Dead? This version comes about every so often whenever something negative happens, like Chick-Fil-A being closed, the internet being down, or finals week. While the two former problems are typically temporary and resolved after some patience, the latter is something that can bite us and infect our attitude. However, in order to be a real finals survival expert, you need to be prepared. Please allow me to be the Rick Grimes to your Carl Grimes.

First, you must know your enemy. The zombies that we fight come in the form of papers and Scantrons. There are different types, such as English, Math, or Psychology. Each one requires different types of preparation, but the method is the same. In order to fully know your enemies, you must study them. It is recommended to study a minimum of one hour for every class period. Keep in mind that studying is no substitute for being in class and getting experience. Both are equally important and one cannot be done without the other. Studying prepares you for facing the undead creatures that plague you during this week of supposed terror. It’s always good to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse before it happens, after all.

What are some methods for studying? I’m glad I asked! I bet you are too. You’re welcome. The classic method is reading and reviewing notes. Most assuredly, you have been taking notes in class, right? Right? Right. Along with rereading the chapters that the final will cover, reread your notes over those chapters. Make sure your notes contain things that the professor has mentioned are important. Things written on the board are typically important, so you should write them down, too. Another classic method is to use flash cards. (No, Mr. Zombie, flAsh cards. With an A.) Write some questions on one side and the answers on the other and quiz yourself. (This also applies to learning about zombies.)

Next, you must make sure your body is ready. During this apaperlypse (patent pending), you need to keep your body in good shape. The most important part of this is to make sure you get sleep. If you’re exhausted before you face the test, then you won’t be able to bring your a-game and then you get bitten by a zombie and then you start to turn and then someone has to shoot you and it gets messy. DBU doesn’t have a zombie disposal unit. Trust me, I’ve checked. Sleep allows your body to rest and recharge so you can take on the challenge of your final.

Now comes the most important thing that any good zombie killer/final taker must do. You must choose your weapons! Against the zombies, you can choose anything from guns to swords to crossbows. Guns alert zombies, though, so I’d recommend using them sparingly. Swords are nice because they do not need ammo and can typically be sharpened and used over and over again. Crossbows are also a good tool since they are long-range and can be reused so long as you retrieve the arrow. So, as a final taker, what weapon do you have? What is your trump card to vanquish your mighty foe?

pencil

The legendary No. 2 Pencil

Sorry, you’re kind of stuck on this one. Scantron Machines have this fascination with Number 2 Pencils. It’s like their favorite candy or something. You get one weapon and typically just one shot. Trust me, though, if you heed my simple advice, one shot is all you’ll need. Probably. Maybe get a good eraser, too.

Finals can be scary. They come across as undead creatures that were raised from the dead by some Necromancer masquerading as a professor. However, you shouldn’t fear these walking dead. When you shine the light on them by studying, they turn out to be pretty harmless. The important thing to remember is to keep a cool head. Fretting over finals will only put you in more danger of becoming like one of the undead. Remember my tips and you should be fine! Don’t remember them, and well… good luck out there.

cute zombie

Actual picture of a Psychology final

Written by Alfred

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Grammar Zombies

“Ugghhhh…” a hungry zombie sighed somewhere off screen.

“Where is he?” Nathan cried, his Xbox controller rattling in his hands.

“I don’t know… but he’s close!” JD replied.

On the TV, Nathan and JD’s characters hid behind a storage crate. Blood was everywhere, decorating the grey floors and walls. Something, like glass, fell and shattered.

“He’s coming.”

“Darn, I’m out of ammo.”

Wave after wave of zombies barraged the two, helpless figures. Stuck on a zombie ridden aircraft carrier, there was no place to run.

“Get him with your knife then!”

“Okay, I’m going to check behind the crate.”

Nathan toggled his character to the edge of the giant box. He let a breathe, and turned—

“AHHHGGGHHH!!!!”

The zombie jumped down from the top of the crate. His blue, dry hands thrashed and bashed against Nathan.

“Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!” Nathan screamed as he jabbed the zombie with his knife.

“Hold on!” JD whipped around the edge of the crate, carrying a rocket launcher.

“Where did you get that?”

“Don’t ask, just watch out!”

“Wait, no—“

The entire earth slowed down for a split second. A football sized cylinder spiraled towards Nathan and the zombie. Nathan threw down his controller and covered his eyes. JD smiled.

Then the screen became one, big, red, cumulous cloud.


 

Sometimes, as a Dallas Baptist University Writing Center consultant, I come in contact with Grammar Zombies. The other a day, one slumped into the Center. Her face was pale and black bags, large enough to store baby carrots, wrinkled under her eyes. She placed her essay on the table, fell into the chair, and pointed at the paper.

“Uggggg…” she said, the smell of Red Bull bombarding my nostrils.

“Sorry,” I responded, “could you please repeat that?”

“Ahhuuuggguhhh!”

I glanced at the paper. The girl’s professor had left a note: “Please do not use first or second person.”

I turned towards the student and asked, “Is there first or second person in this essay?”

“Arrrgggbaa,” she moaned, shrugging her shoulders.

I read the first sentence. “I really love Cajun food; it’s to die for.”

Written by Ben Jones