“Sweet.” The name identifies with candy. However, candymakers seldom describe the candy making process as “sweet.” First, copious amounts of sugar must be procured and refined. The distressed sugar then forcefully contorts into a viscous syrup capable of giving anyone type five diabetes. Candymakers seize this sugary liquid substance for the purpose of fashioning mouthwatering morsels.
In a large metal cauldron, the candymakers abruptly pour the syrup down to the very last drizzle. Slowly and stately, the syrup waits in agony as the temperature soars. Suddenly, as the syrup gazes up at the bright lights, its skin begins to summon tiny bubbles that violently expand. These bubbles rapidly stretch the syrup’s flesh until it brutally bursts. The sugary torpedoes splash into the syrup’s surface returning to the boiling misery.
At the end of the torture, the cauldron frees the traumatized syrup onto a flat counter. The candymakers declare chemical warfare on the syrup by throwing citric acid, food coloring reminiscent of vibrant frogs, and various substances designed to ease the morsel’s flavor. The candymakers’ hands then pulverize these foreign substances into the now concatenated syrup. This new creation binds itself together as it cools to relieve stress. The candymakers quickly transfer the thick ooze into molds, form it into a string, or stab it with a lollipop stick.
Every candymaker claims ignorance of these horrors of candy making, but I stand as witness to these crimes. As their adversary, I appeal to the high courts to cease the description of “sweet” pertaining to candy. These rituals produce a vile product that elevates hyper activeness and creates addicts that defend its creators. Hear my plea to end today’s celebration, National Hard Candy Day.
Written by: Rachel Caña
Owl Things Considered 